Grief, A Lesson and One Less

In the past week I have encountered my first true experience with grief. My Uncle Mark, after a long and hard struggle with alcohol, passed away on February 10th. This one event has changed the dynamics of our family forever. Instead of 5 brothers there will only be 4. Someone will always be missing at my birthday party, and Christmas will never feel truly complete. The past week has been a flurry of happiness in hugging family I haven't seen in years, gut wrenching sorrow at the thought of these everlasting changes, refusal to accept this event has occurred, anger at a disease that made Mark's entire life a struggle, and fear that more of those close to me will succumb to drugs and alcohol and won't come back. Now, after the funeral is over and my extended family has gone back to their lives, I struggle with what comes next.

For our family, alcohol is synonymous with 'get together,' and it seems no matter how many of us go into rehab, attend AA meetings, or preach to the others about the dangers of alcohol, wine and beer remain a non negotiable invitee to every event. My father, after a lifetime of loyalty to his best friend the beer bottle, permanently gave up his habit three years, one month and 10 days before his brother gave in to the substance that killed him. I look at the differences between my Uncle Mark and my father and while there are some distinct personality differences, there are many similarities between the two men which make figuring out why one could kick the presence of alcohol out of their lives and one could not, very difficult and heart wrenching.

Not that Mark didn't try. There was rehab, there were many trips to the hospital, there were speeches and therapy and ice teas at Easter instead of the traditional glass (or 5) of wine. There were desperate emails and phone calls and visits from his brothers, his mother and his nieces, begging him to get help, get better. But in the end, after spending one last month in an attempt to rid his body of the need for alcohol, Mark came home and one week later died with too much alcohol in his system.

While Mark's death is tragic, it does not come without a valuable and useful lesson. Alcohol is an acceptable part of our society, but that does not in any way make it safe. Regular drinking in high school and college turns into regular happy hours after work and Christmas parties with drunken colleagues, turns into children who become accustomed to Mom driving home on Christmas because Dad's too drunk, turns into a dependence on alcohol to function in everyday life. And in Mark's case that drinking in his younger years, as so many of us do as a rite of passage in high school and college, turned into the cause of many of his problems in life and the reason for his death. He hadn't even seen his 50th birthday.

So I will use this as a lesson to me, and my attitude towards alcohol. I will listen to my father who, in a rare moment of tears and a prolonged hug with his children struggled to get the words out of his throat: Just don't drink. Alcohol is no longer a necessary part of any get together. It is not safe. It deserves the label of 'drug,' and I have always said that I don't do drugs. I know that I have to accept the fact that I cannot change all of society, but I can change myself and my own views. I will accept the fact that I rarely have 'just one drink,' because one drink clouds my judgement enough that I think it ok to have another one. I will look at the amount of people in my family who suffer from alcoholism and I will be honest with myself that I probably am closer to the disease than I think. And I will think of my Uncle Mark when I want to be part of the crowd and have a drink. I will think of the sorrow in my father's face, regretting that he could not save his brother as he had saved himself. And I will teach my children as best I can, that alcohol is not a rite of passage, it is not a necessary part of life, and it should be treated as the dangerous drug it is.

My Uncle Mark was a good person, a loving uncle to me, and I will miss him for the rest of my life. I only hope that he is finally at peace, resting now without the awful grip of alcohol strangling his mind and taking over his life. And I hope that I can make a difference, and that perhaps this article has made even one person consider how close they are to alcoholism. Because as much as we all hope that alcohol could never become a non negotiable part of our lives, the disease of alcoholism is a sneaky attacker, one that many don't realize until too late. We don't know why some people are alcoholics and some people are not, and why some alcoholics can kick the habit and why others succumb. So personally, I would rather not take the risk and truly enjoy the rest of my life, happy, healthy and sober.